In her own words...
“You didn’t give me any sons, Stefanie! They can’t even carry my last name!”
Those words were all it took to change my excitement to guilt. My siblings were fast asleep, and I had crept out of my room because I heard my mother, Stefanie, say my father's name. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of excitement. It wasn’t until I was close enough to see my mother through the crack of her door, did I realize they were arguing. Those words, spoken by the very man who was supposed to love me regardless of anything and everything, filled me with guilt. Guilt for not being the boy he wanted. Guilt for not being enough for him to stay.
I spent the following year doing all I could to be more “boy-like”. I bound my chest, kept my hair short, and refrained from wearing any clothing that would show my feminine features. This only proved to be a failure. If I couldn’t be a boy, then I would be the best girl I could - I had to be perfect. If I were perfect then maybe, just maybe, I’d be enough for my father. Maybe he’d come back.
For the past 7 years, I have strived for perfection. To be the perfect daughter, older sister, and even the perfect student. I became a people pleaser. If I made those around me happy, then they’d never leave. I wouldn’t have to feel the sense of guilt or disappointment I felt in myself that night. And so, I threw all that I was, and am, into school. I became completely devoted to my academics and what people thought of me. I would prove my worth through my accomplishments.
However, it was never enough. He never came back, and I was lucky if I got a call from him. Although the pain inflicted on me by an absentee father still lingered, my devotion to perfection no longer became solely about proving myself to him. I came to believing that academic perfection would be the only way I could prove my worth to anyone. The only way I could stop people from leaving me. In the mix of this all, I lost myself. All I cared about were my grades and test scores.
And so, that’s what the past 6 years have been for me. A stepdad to fill in the empty space my father left, devoting myself to those I love, and academic perfection. Life became an illusion of “good”. I didn’t realize the toxicity of my obsession with perfection until recently - the past year.
Within this past year, the illusion of the “good life” I had came shattering down. My stepdad stopped working and my mom started doing what she needed to bring money into the family. This included going out with strange men. When I started voicing my concerns for the situation and my willingness to sacrifice all my extracurricular activity to get a job, my stepdad and I got into terrible disputes. It sometimes got to the point where he felt the need to try and turn the rest of my family against me. And yet, I forgave him and stayed quiet because I was terrified of losing not only another father figure, but my family as well.
Once again, it wasn’t enough. My stepdad and I got into more frequent arguments. Yet, around other people he would praise me and my successes. He was no longer the same man who held me when I cried. So, I got a job and learned to balance both school and work. It didn’t matter to me if my stepdad was unhappy about it. It was what I needed to do for my family. Through the simple action of applying at a job, I realized that I will never be “perfect” enough for everyone. There will be some people unhappy with me no matter what I do. And that was okay. It was okay for me not to be perfect.
I still wish to do well academically, but I no longer want to do it for the sake of being perfect. Just as I no longer wish to go to college just because I feel like it’s what is expected of me. I want to do well for myself. I want to attend college to build and show my siblings that there’s a better life than the one we live.
This is still a new shift in my life, and as such, I’m still adjusting to the new sense of living for myself and no longer for others. I’m still unsure what I even wish to do with my life but that’s okay. College is about a self-discovering journey anyways. I look forward to it.